True love should make you flourish and bloom. You should be able to to be who you are, but grow and improve and have a sense of ease with that person.
Yet the years roll by and you suddenly wake up and realise that you haven’t flourished, bloomed, become better or been at ease. In fact, you’ve not even been you. You’ve just blended in and left your true self somewhere. You have been existing, not living and you finally see that there is a difference between the two. You haven’t been living your life, but taken on someone else’s.
You’re lost, empty, just a shell. You spend your life dealing with a series of events, on top of living and for some reason, out of all the things that have occurred, it’s taken that one thing to finally wake you and stir you into seeing. Not just with your eyes, but your mind, heart and ears. Does that make sense?
A few years ago, I had to have major surgery. It was either that or having cancer in various parts of my body. I chose surgery. At the time, the whole experience felt surreal. It was me, but it wasn’t me. “Things like this happens to other people, not me.” But I am other people….
I was scared, but at the same time, filled with a strength that seemed to rise from deep within. A type of strength that I didn’t realise I had. Really I had no choice, I needed that to get me through.
In a situation where I wanted to cry and have someone tell me that it was going to be alright, I couldn’t. The person who was meant to be like that had gone to pieces an was living in his own world, only thinking of his feelings. So, as usual, I had to be the strong one, as much as I wanted someone to be strong for me.
You’re never as alone as you think you are…. Remember that.
My dad was quiet momentarily, “parents are supposed to die before tbeir children. As a parent, the worse thing is for a child to die before you.” As always, dad was strong, loving, caring, understanding. He still is. My brother is more like my dad than he realises sometimes and I mean that in the most loving way. His response was deeply moving and filled with love. The two men in my life who are always strong and encouraging and who are there for me. I love them beyond measure.
As usual, I’ve kind of digressed, sorry! 😊 I was talking about true love, existence and existing. I’m pretty quiet, I don’t always say much. I say something when I have something to say, but I see and watch and take in a lot. What I suddenly saw was, people I had dedicated so many years to, whom I thought were there for me, were not. Each time something happened and they should have been there, they weren’t. When someone is going through some event in their life, it’s better just to be present, even if you have no words. Being physically there and supportive means so much.
In times of trouble, you really do find out who is there for you and who isn’t. You see those who only care about and see their own needs. The world revolves around them, or so they think.
Sometimes in life, you can spend so long at being angry at something, that you actually stop seeing.
Finally I saw.
I saw that, being in what I thought was love, didn’t make me better or stronger, it drained me, until I had nothing left. I was a blank canvas. It didn’t make make me feel better either, it made me feel less of a person than I had ever felt before.
You know what?? Everyone deserves life and love. It just takes some people longer to realise that than others and to see that they are worthy and that’s obviously true to say about me. But typical me, “better late than never!”
Live, because there’s truly a difference between living and living to exist.
Be happy. Be true to yourself, be you and be proud of you.
Take care everyone.
Love me 🕊🌹